Every once in a while, some famous, sexy actor will grab me by the curly short hairs and drag me into a very confusing obsession. My stomach is making butterflies, my tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth, and I feel racy. On one hand yay, there’s life in the old girl yet, on the other the awakening of painful yearning for dreams left unfulfilled is close to unbearable.

I was an actor once. Still am. But not actively. So am I?

An object of obsession is an interesting thing. Forget the trigger which is just some stranger for a moment. Notice where your fantasies take you. Is there interaction with the phantom you’ve been inspired to create in your mind? What would your interactions be like? Mine have taken a distinctly maternal tone having learned better agency over my sexual impulses and a clearer grasp of what is and isn’t real. If I were to coach this creature, I think I would revel in his success rather than be so jealous of it. That tells me that as a coach, I’m in the right profession. But the envy I feel coupled with the girlish crush; that’s something else. Its not so much about wanting to posses, as to be. That’s how I interpret Julia Cameron’s remark about jealousy in the Artists Way: “Envy is a beacon”.

To define beacon briefly for a moment: According to an online dictionary its a fire or light set up in a high or prominent position as a warning, signal, or celebration. How apt.

So then envy reveals what we aspire to, what in our heart of hearts we wish to be or achieve. Powered by longing, sexual or otherwise, this wish becomes a terrifying call to action. Picking up an old dream, or really standing up for a new one is a tremendous risk. After all, if it wasn’t you’d have easily achieved it, right? What would it take to actively, consistently and conscientiously do what you need to do to manifest your dream? That is the question.

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