{"id":3977,"date":"2020-06-17T21:31:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-18T01:31:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/creativecallingcoaching.com\/?p=3977"},"modified":"2020-06-17T21:54:53","modified_gmt":"2020-06-18T01:54:53","slug":"hear-me-see-me-feel-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/creativecallingcoaching.com\/hear-me-see-me-feel-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Hear Me, See Me, Feel Me"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
On Sunday, I got sucked down the vortex of one of those aggravating \u201cconversations\u201d on Facebook. Aggravating because by posting my opinion I triggered the emotions and agendas of certain people who, upon reading said post, took it as their mission to not just express, but rather enforce<\/em> their POV. For them, I crossed a line. I had expressed my thoughts on a topic that apparently falls under the category of \u201cwhite people don\u2019t get to weigh in on this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Which I kind of get. As in, men shouldn\u2019t get to weigh in on whether or not abortion is legal. And yet, they do. And sometimes, through conversation, understanding is achieved and perspectives do shift. Stonewalling, stridency, and exclusion tend to breed resentment and pushback, rather than a desired transformation of ideology. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Any-hoo, we\u2019re always learning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yeah, I could defriend or block these people and end up in yet another little bubble of oblivion online. But I\u2019m committed to not doing that. So instead, I created a meme meant to offer guidance on how to have constructive conversations: \u201cDifficult conversations become easier when the ground rules are \u201cdon\u2019t shame,\u201d \u201clisten, pause, and respond,\u201d and \u201cit\u2019s not about you.\u201d\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, due to my initial weighing in on the original topic of taboo, it was too late. It could not be perceived within its own context; rather it incited another round of \u201cschooling\u201d of my racially insensitive old white ass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As an ADHD coach, I do know that for verbal processors like myself and many of my clients, learning actually involves speaking. Exchanging ideas. So from my perspective, getting ambushed by responses like \u201cyou\u2019re not allowed to weigh in on this\u201d from mostly \u201cwoke\u201d millennial white folks is not just a lost learning opportunity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a rallying FUCK YOU cry. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Fast forward to Monday, when I crawled out of bed with a massive shame hangover. I rode it out all day and into the night and even then I wasn\u2019t sure I could pull out of it without professional intervention. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Then this morning I proceeded to do some of the best coaching of my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n What shifted?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Well, first of all, it was a reminder (one which I forced myself to recall throughout the day on Monday) that deep emotional pain, when managed properly, precedes a breakthrough as a general rule. By \u201cmanaged properly,\u201d I mean staying present with the pain, not the story. It means feeling bad but not drawing any conclusions about that. Not running, not repressing, not trying to make the pain go away by rationalizing why I don\u2019t deserve to feel it…which usually takes the form of an imaginary argument with whoever triggered the pain, which ends up bringing more pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The trick is learning to just contain the pain<\/em>. Neither hold onto it nor push it away. This requires separating from pain in the sense that you become a patient observer of your own experience. This requires the trust that you are gestating and moving through something. The emotional containment experience is not unlike that of having a cold: You know it won\u2019t last forever, you know how it feels moving through your body, you know how to soothe the symptoms and you accept that you can\u2019t eliminate your discomfort completely. You ride it out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Coming out of the other side of this Facebook incident allowed me to make a few distinctions. I am not just a \u201cwhite person\u201d with all the attendant denial, fragility, and fear that it implies. I am many things, one of which is an empath. If I\u2019m not careful, I absorb the feelings of others like a sponge. If I\u2019m not careful, I find myself being used as a human lightning rod, the function of which is to absorb the rage, pain, and shame of others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n My need to lay off Facebook yesterday was an act of self-care, as distinct from an action designed to protect my \u201cwhite fragility.\u201d I needed to detox the empath, who tends towards becoming the receptacle of hurt and shame. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cConversing\u201d via social media can be damaging due to its inherent limitations. When it comes to the larger issues of race, politics, culture, gender, and the environment…it is easy, without the benefit of sight, sound, and privacy to disregard one another\u2019s basic and individual humanity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, if we are not in perfect agreement about something, we often project generalized negative qualities and intentions on each other based on affiliation by race, age, and gender. (ie: \u201cOkay, Boomer.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n